THE DOG WHISPERER

AFTER YEARS OF OBSERVING DOGS IN THE WILD, CESAR FINALLY DISCOVERED THEIR SECRET

THE GREATEST AMERICAN DOG - EPISODE NINE

Woof, everypups. Only one more episode to go as The Greatest American Dog will be chosen next week. The theme for last night's show was loyalty. During the Dog Bone Challenge, the dogs had to sit or stand on a tree stump opposite their humans who were also standing tree stumps. The dogs had to remain in either the sit or stand position but couldn't lie down or leave the stump. It came down to Travis and Presley and Teresa and Leroy. After 17 minutes of watching Presley, who was in obvious discomfort, Travis called him down from the stump, handing the victory to Teresa. Kudos to Travis for putting his dog first. With the next challenge the contestants took turns trying to tempt the dog to come to them instead of listening to their humans and staying in the designated area. Laurie and Andrew received Best In Show as Andrew didn't even glance at the other humans. Presley was the only dog who left the designated area but quickly returned to Travis. After much debate the judges decided that Teresa used fear tactics to frighten Leroy into submission and they were shown the Doggie Door.

SCUBA'S FIRST PICK - RON AND TILLMAN
SCUBA'S SECOND PICK - BILL AND STAR
SCUBA'S THIRD PICK - TRAVIS AND PRESLEY

Holy Puppy Poop!!! Can this show get anymore ridiculous? Testing loyalty with tree stumps? What the hell is that about? And scolding Teresa for her alleged fear tactics with Leroy, now that's a bit much. If those judges want to see fear tactics, they should see Mom react after we've dragged a dead jackrabbit into the house through the doggie door. And what's with the condemning looks from Miss Priss Victoria? She was shooting laser beams from her evil eyes last night. Now I'm not much of a JD fan but I'm glad he snapped back at Miss Priss when she accused him of terrorizing Galaxy. I'd hate to think what she'd say if she came to our house. Mom's always yelling at us, 'Get out of the garbage', Get off of the kitchen table', 'Get the neighbor's cat out of your mouth', and so on. I'm not sure what kind of world Miss Priss lives in but it ain't a dog's world.

KEIKO'S FIRST PICK - BILL AND STAR
KEIKO'S SECOND PICK - TRAVIS AND PRESLEY

Amen to that, Keiko, there is something wrong with that woman. And that whole tree stump thing, well that was just stupid. I wouldn't have sat there for very long but am I loyal to Mom? You bet your best chew bone I am, as are all of us. And we've proven it over the years. And as far as Laurie and Andrew winning the last challenge, that dog just ain't right somehow. Did you pups see him last night when he was place with the other humans? He just kept running to the door and staring at it waiting for Laurie, that's some serious separation anxiety going on there. It just creeped me out. Now we all get excited when Mom comes home but we don't sit and stare at the door all day. If we did that we would get any of our dog stuff done, you know, digging, chewing, drooling.....

NORMAN'S PICK - TRAVIS AND PRESLEY

Separation anxiety my ass, that dog has some deep, emotional problems. He won the challenge because he's been brainwashed by Laurie into thinking that she's LORD OF THE DOGS. But the judges didn't see how he acted earlier so of course they applauded Laurie. It's kind of like the Stockholm Syndrome, which the captive shows loyalty to his captor. Andrew didn't even blink, just kept staring at Laurie. That's not normal dog behavior, maybe he's a space alien or something, but he ain't a real dog.

DEPARTMENT OF CANINE HEALTH AND WELFARE

KEEPING THE STREETS SAFE FOR ALL DOGS, THE DEPARTMENT OF CANINE HEALTH AND WELFARE IS ON A CONSTANT LOOKOUT FOR STRAY HUMANS

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

1. Thou shalt have no other Dogs before me.
2. Thou shalt love, honor and pamper me all the days of my life.
3. Remember my naptime and keep it holy.
4. Thou shalt offer unto me a sacrifice of feline.
5. Thou shalt not yell when I bury thy cell phone in the front yard.
6. Thou shalt offer unto me the sacred chew bone anytime I want it.
7. Thou shalt be understanding when small animal parts are found beneath thy pillow.

8. Thou shalt not scold me when I seek out the crotches of thy guests.

9. Thou shalt allow me to ride in thy chariot and be grateful when I bestow upon thee a blessing of drool or vomit.
10. Thou shalt always remember that I am thy Dog who brought thee out of thy boring existence and will remain faithful unto thee until the end……..or until someone else offers me a doggie biscuit.