IS BUDWEISER DESERTING AMERICA??

SCUBA

Freakin unbelievable!!! What the heck is going on in this U. S. OF A? Budweiser selling out? I don't believe it. I just don't believe it.

NORMAN

Holy puppy poop! They can't do that. The Great American Lager is a Great American Icon and it needs to stay that way.

KEIKO

Mom is just so upset over this. First her job goes overseas, then it's her beer. What else is gonna go wrong?

TOBY

Now I know I'm just a pooch but that just ain't right, what are those biscuit-heads thinking? This country is going to the dogs. Wait, that's a good thing.

MERCY KILLING? THIS PACK OF DOGS AIN'T BUYING IT!!!

SCUBA

Here's that heartless bastard's explanation for why he killed that poor little puppy. I've read it and I don't buy his mercy killing defense at all. I'm sure that there are animals over there that are suffering and need to be put out of their misery, but tossing the pup off of a cliff and then joking about, that's not compassionate behavior, that's psychotic behavior. Serial killers start out that way. I've tried to contact him on his blog but I was denied access. I guess the big man is hiding out.

KEIKO

Oh, he's a tough guy, eh? What's the matter? He can go after little dogs but he can't handle the criticism?

NORMAN

Makes me want to chew him up and spit him out.

TOBY

Let me at him. GRRRRR!!!!

DAVID MOTARI-THE PUPPY KILLER

THE LATEST SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER MOVIE, SNAKES IN A MATTRESS

SCUBA
Freakin unbelievable!!! Did you pups read about the mom who heard her baby crying and found a small constrictor in the crib wrapped around her little girl’s legs?

TOBY
Holy puppy poop!!! How did a snake get into the crib? Where do these people live, the Amazon River Basin?

KEIKO
I think it was in somewhere in New York, which figures. They think the snake came in a mattress they had just purchased. Where in the heck do they shop?

NORMAN
How does a snake get into a mattress? Just an added bonus I guess, buy a mattress and get a snake, no hidden costs. Freaks me out thinking about it.

KEIKO
Norman, you get freaked out by your own shadow.

NORMAN
I have a big shadow.

TOBY
Too bad they don’t do that with rabbits? Buy a doggie bed and get a free rabbit, now that would be totally pawsome.

SCUBA
Maybe they'll make movie out of it, 'SNAKES IN A MATTRESS'.

KEIKO
Yeah right, like 'SNAKES ON A PLANE' WASN'T BAD ENOUGH.

Actor Rupert Everett brands British soldiers 'pathetic, whining wimps'

SCUBA
Freakin unbelievable!!! Do you pups believe this jerk? I don’t see his pathetic ass wearing the uniform.

TOBY
Holy puppy poop!!! I bet he’s never been shot at, though that might change now.

NORMAN
I don’t care what country you serve if you’re a soldier in Afghanistan and Iraq it takes some guts.

KEIKO
Maybe they just need to ship him off, send him to Iraq and see how long he lasts.

SCUBA
He also took a few cheap shots at Americans, saying that we’re whiny victims whose entire language was taken from watching ‘Friends and Sex and the City.’

TOBY
Hey, didn’t he star in ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding? Like that’s not wimpy? Obviously he doesn’t see the irony, does he?

LATEST SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER, CRAWFORD

SCUBA
Well, the movie "Crawford" has hit the big screens, so to speak. I guess it documents how President Bush living near the town has changed Crawford Texas.

KEIKO
Oh boy, I bet it’s packin em in, huh? Can’t wait til it comes out on DVD. Maybe I’ll buy it for MOM as a birthday present.

NORMAN
Right, that’s a movie she’s always wanted.

TOBY
Yeah, it ranks up there with Bill Clinton’s production of "1001 ways to screen a White House Intern" doesn’t it?

SCUBA
You did say, ‘screen,’ didn’t you, Toby?

MEL GIBSON'S CRAZY POP

SCUBA
Freakin unbelievable!!!! Mel Gibson’s daddy is at it again! In addition to his extremely dull website, www.huttongibson.com, Hutton Gibson now can be read on MySpace. For those of you who suffer from insomnia, there is hope. Just log on and read the ramblings of a nut job and go right to sleep. Perfect solution for your sleeping ills.

TOBY
Agree with you there, Scuba. He’s not just crazy, he’s scaaarrry crazy!!!

NORMAN
Well, I tried to read it; I just didn’t understand what the hell he was talking about. Made no sense whatsoever but I had to take a nap afterwards.

KEIKO
What’s wrong with him anyway? Why does he have to be so hateful? Especially where the Jews are concerned, what did they ever do to him?

SCUBA
The thing with people like Hutton Gibson is they like to hate. That’s all they do. And the really scary part is that with the Internet, he can reach more people and spread his racist views. His MySpace page has already a list of supporters.

TOBY
Well, I’ve looked over his website and I gotta tell you, I just don’t get it. Now, I know I’m just a dog, but even MOM said she thought it was just the gibberish babble of a lunatic.

NORMAN
I guess the First Amendment applies to everybody, even crazy people.

KEIKO
Come on pups, just forget about it and let’s eat.

SPIDERMAN CLIMBS NEW YORK BUILDING

SCUBA
Freakin unbelievable!!! Did you pups read about the fool that was busted for climbing some high rise building in New York? He said he did it to raise awareness for global warming. That’s just crazy!

KEIKO
Holy puppy poop!! How is an idiot falling off a building gonna help prevent global warming? What was he thinking?

TOBY
Obviously he wasn’t thinking, but then again, he’s only human and we all know that humans do stupid things. They just can’t help it.

NORMAN
Freaks me out just to look at the picture.

TOBY
Norman, you get freaked out riding in the car.

NORMAN
That’s cause riding in the car usually means going to the Doggie Doc.

McCain slams Obama

SCUBA
Freakin unbelievable!!!! I see McCain is starting in on Obama already, slamming him for voting against funds for the troops, Can’t they give us a few days off before they start into each other?

TOBY
Heck no, I think my boy needs to pounce on Obama. Get him, Johnny, GRRRRR!!!! Besides, do you really think Obama can stick to his promise of bringing the troops home early? You know as well as I do, Scuba, he can't do that. Regardless of the incompetent decision to send them over to Iraq, pulling them out now could be disastrous. What about all those people? I mean, they're refugees in their own country. How sad is that?

NORMAN
Oh, puppy poop!! You're right. And why is Obama against tax cuts? Shouldn't he want to give tax relief to Americans? It makes no sense.

KEIKO
You're waiting for politics to make sense? Norman, you know better than that.
And besides, talking politics before breakfast, what's wrong with you pups. I’m gonna eat.

OBAMA NOT A CHRISTIAN?

SCUBA
Freakin unbelievable!!!! Did you pups read that article by that sanctimonious donkey Cal Thomas? I mean really, who is he to say Obama isn’t a Christian? Obviously he didn’t read the book of Matthew, Chapter 7, verse 1, which clearly states: JUDGE NOT THAT YE BE NOT JUDGED.

NORMAN
Isn’t he the journalist that puts down journalists? Kinda like biting the hand that feeds you, huh?

TOBY
Don’t worry about it, it’s just another smear tactic by those who are afraid that a liberal will become president. It doesn’t matter anyway cause McCain’s gonna win.

KEIKO
Come on, just forget it guys, MOM’S making breakfast!!!!!!!